Over the years i’ve been called by names like an introvert, an autist (i’m not sure if many people know what this word means but it’s a mental disorder) and a loner, maybe a lone wolf. I say write these names on a piece of paper, hand it to me and i’d probably wipe my ass with it and crumble it and throw it in a trash can. If we don’t blend-in in our first meeting then chances are i’m going to resent you for eternity The day i start living my life differently because some pretentious douche-bag made a snap judgement about me would be the day you can throw me off of a 4 floor building. Instead of being a capricious asshole, maybe try to conceive the idea that there are reasons for living this vanity-free lifestyle, maybe try to fit in my shoes and realise the hell i carry with myself every single day.
All this time i’ve been nothing but a nice guy. But what does a nice guy get in return?? I’ll tell you what he gets. He gets kicked when he’s down, he gets chewed up and spit out, he gets drooled and dogged by people, he gets used as a fucking staircase when it’s time to step. Yeah, being a nice guy is no Cinderella story. Being a nice guy involves carrying an involuntary baggage of possessions. Possessions which include betrayal, deception, duplicity and treachery. Acting like a sadistic and emotion-less robot is an easier job than trying to be a nice guy. I could be ruthlessly and mercilessly inhuman to people but instead i choose not to because it’s not in my nature. Sometimes i cling on to things i should have let go off a long time ago. Things which i’m obsessed with and that kills me inside every day at the same time. Just when i thought that i’m at my all-time low, the magnitude of my complexities have somehow managed to extend to a whole new level. I wish i wasn’t socially awkward and strange as a kid. I wish my mom and dad got through one day without wanting to kill each other, i wish that the love of my life acknowledged that how irretrievably i’m in love with her and can’t do anything about it. But things don’t exactly fall in your lap merely because you wish.
My life’s a rubik’s cube, it’s too complex to be solved. It’s like every attempt i make to rise from these ashes, every time i try to climb out of this abyss, i keep falling further down. Every move i make, every scenario i plan for myself ends badly and backfires tenfold. I used to be a realist, a believer in destiny, that things will unravel themselves and life will be good again but i guess i’ve been down in these dumps for so long that i’ve stopped believing less and less with each passing day. My friends can’t understand this new me but that’s understandable. I feel like i’ve been morphing into some hideously repulsive person. On the surface i look all high and mighty but when in reality i’m really scared underneath this false bravado i’ve put on to deceive people. Intimacy at all levels has been challenging for me. Maybe that’s why i live like a recluse. I don’t even like people, i guess i’m intimidated by all human race. I’ve been trying to force myself into situations i’m not comfortable with. Trying to be like THE COOL KID in the classroom even if it means acting stupid. But i can’t present myself any differently than i really am, i mean for god’s sakes i’m not a phony or a sell-out who wants attention. I don’t seek the warmth of human companionship. I think the fact that i’m differently wired than most people is awesome. So what if i’m the kind of person who instead of making friends likes to sit alone and divulge into his own thoughts, so what instead of hanging out with a thousand two-faced douchebags he likes to have fun with only a handful of people he trusts more than the life in himself. I’m kind of broken, maybe i have some serious underlying problems that i keep bottled inside myself which have slyly turned me into the person i am and i’m not pointing fingers because god knows i’ve not been a saint to people either but i’ve chosen this path on my own and i ain’t stopping for no one and i’m going to forge ahead with nothing holding me back.
All this time i’ve been nothing but a nice guy. But what does a nice guy get in return?? I’ll tell you what he gets. He gets kicked when he’s down, he gets chewed up and spit out, he gets drooled and dogged by people, he gets used as a fucking staircase when it’s time to step. Yeah, being a nice guy is no Cinderella story. Being a nice guy involves carrying an involuntary baggage of possessions. Possessions which include betrayal, deception, duplicity and treachery. Acting like a sadistic and emotion-less robot is an easier job than trying to be a nice guy. I could be ruthlessly and mercilessly inhuman to people but instead i choose not to because it’s not in my nature. Sometimes i cling on to things i should have let go off a long time ago. Things which i’m obsessed with and that kills me inside every day at the same time. Just when i thought that i’m at my all-time low, the magnitude of my complexities have somehow managed to extend to a whole new level. I wish i wasn’t socially awkward and strange as a kid. I wish my mom and dad got through one day without wanting to kill each other, i wish that the love of my life acknowledged that how irretrievably i’m in love with her and can’t do anything about it. But things don’t exactly fall in your lap merely because you wish.
My life’s a rubik’s cube, it’s too complex to be solved. It’s like every attempt i make to rise from these ashes, every time i try to climb out of this abyss, i keep falling further down. Every move i make, every scenario i plan for myself ends badly and backfires tenfold. I used to be a realist, a believer in destiny, that things will unravel themselves and life will be good again but i guess i’ve been down in these dumps for so long that i’ve stopped believing less and less with each passing day. My friends can’t understand this new me but that’s understandable. I feel like i’ve been morphing into some hideously repulsive person. On the surface i look all high and mighty but when in reality i’m really scared underneath this false bravado i’ve put on to deceive people. Intimacy at all levels has been challenging for me. Maybe that’s why i live like a recluse. I don’t even like people, i guess i’m intimidated by all human race. I’ve been trying to force myself into situations i’m not comfortable with. Trying to be like THE COOL KID in the classroom even if it means acting stupid. But i can’t present myself any differently than i really am, i mean for god’s sakes i’m not a phony or a sell-out who wants attention. I don’t seek the warmth of human companionship. I think the fact that i’m differently wired than most people is awesome. So what if i’m the kind of person who instead of making friends likes to sit alone and divulge into his own thoughts, so what instead of hanging out with a thousand two-faced douchebags he likes to have fun with only a handful of people he trusts more than the life in himself. I’m kind of broken, maybe i have some serious underlying problems that i keep bottled inside myself which have slyly turned me into the person i am and i’m not pointing fingers because god knows i’ve not been a saint to people either but i’ve chosen this path on my own and i ain’t stopping for no one and i’m going to forge ahead with nothing holding me back.
